Finding Me, Once Again

6:38 AM 3 Comments

I will preface this post with the following: It's taken a lot for me to get here.  It hasn't been an easy journey and it's far from over.  In posting this, I hope that others will find solace in knowing that they don't have to live under the guise of others.

The Man Burns

Fortunately for me, I have some amazing Burner vets for friends.  They were more than willing to take both myself and my husband under their wings and show us the way.  While I would love to say that they prepared us for everything, that's just not possible, even for the most seasoned Burners.


Veteran Burner Friends Preparing For Our Campmates Wedding

When someone asked me where I first heard about Burning Man I realized that I couldn't recall exactly.  Perhaps it was in some magazine, or maybe I saw a quick bit on TV at some point.  Either way, I've known about the party on the playa for a while now, possibly as far back as middle school, which would basically be the beginning of Burning Man. I knew that it wasn't exactly something you just up and went to without preparing first.  I also knew that I didn't want to go out on our own for the first time without knowing anyone there. The inevitable next question is usually 'why'?  Why in the world would I want to put myself in the middle of a desert in a remote area of north western Nevada with no cell service, no Internet, no running water, no facilities, and 65,000 of my new closest friends (who probably stink just as bad as I do)?  Most people cringe at the thought of only being able to take baby wipe baths for 10 days.  I, on the other hand, look forward to it.  Taking away the option to bathe puts you in a different mind set.  It takes you away from what's comfortable and places you firmly in the uncomfortable.  Sure, there are those people who have the luxury of an RV while on the playa, but I honestly feel that this subtracts from the experience.  To me, the main draw to Burning Man is to place yourself outside of your comfort zone willingly.  All too frequently we let ourselves fall into routine.  Routine breeds complacency. Routine means stagnation.  Without growth, we never actually evolve.  We become contented in our lives, just going through the motions from one day to the next.  That might sound blissful to some, but it sounds like my worst nightmare. I had found myself in a rut, just going through the motions, day-to-day, just waiting to make it to the next big event that coming weekend.  I couldn't see the value in living like that and was starting to lose my drive in all things from cycling to my work.  I was ready to be challenged, both physically and emotionally.  I was not disappointed.


The Man A La Dust
  
Believe it or not, one of the major draws to Burning Man for me was actually the temple.  I'm far from religious, as those who know me will attest to.  I value self reflection. I value taking time out of my life in order to sit back, take a step away from everything, and reflect.  Some might say to a fault.  This is actually what this whole trip was about for me.  It is what I set out for and I can say that I feel like I accomplished it.


Embrace At Dusk

I deliberately spent about a half a day at the temple early on in the week.  I wanted to get things off of my mind early so I could enjoy the rest of the festivities.  I spent time reflecting, left some writings, and watched others both weep and rejoice in their own ways.  Monte and I stood in many long embraces that morning.  I had come to Black Rock city in order to find me.  The me that I had long ago shut away in a dark corner because I needed to adjust who I was in order to survive.  Or so I thought.  I realized some time ago that I wouldn't last long in that state.  Rather, I was living to please others and to fit their view of how I should live my life.  I was constantly worried about how others viewed me.  Were their words sincere or were they just putting on a front?  Were they silently judging my every move, every action, every word?


The Temple Burns

What I came to realize was that not only was I overly concerned with what others thought of me, I was doing the very thing I feared, only I was projecting it onto others.  I was the person that I despised.  It was self preservation at it's worst.  Before I would give you a chance to judge me, I would protect myself by first judging you.  That's no way to live and it was destroying me.  The good news was that this was a learned habit, to the core.  It was something ingrained in me from decades of allowing that type of attitude dictate my life.  In my reflections, I concluded that if it was something that was learned, it can be unlearned.  After all, they say that if you don't use it, you lose it.  Why would this be any different?


Playa At Sunset

In being surrounded by individuals going out of their way to ensure that one of the primary principals of Burning Man, radical inclusion, was not only followed, but perpetuated with robustness, I found myself letting go of the image that others had imposed on me.  I laughed, I cried, I stood in embraces with complete strangers longer than I ever had before.  I found myself seeing the beauty in absolutely everything I saw. No mind alteration necessary. Honest.

I had set out with the intention of visiting a number of camps that were offering all sorts of things – from food, to drinks, lectures, events, even craft projects.  I made it to approximately one of those.  Instead, we explored deep playa and the trash fence, we stopped and stared at art in the middle of a dust storm in white out conditions and sheltered in place till it passed.  We wondered aloud about how things were built and wondered what were they thinking while not only building, but also designing certain art installations. We participated in the billion bunny march, rested at a bar at the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, watched countless people use a real, working pay phone (this really is as odd out there), and appreciated others both from afar and up close.


Sitting Out The Storm, Waiting For The Man To Burn
Experienced burners talk about 'Playa Moments'.  These are moments where emotion overcomes you for no immediately apparent reason.  It can be the smallest, most insignificant of things. Being in such a harsh environment tends to do that I guess.  My moment came while admiring the scorpion mutant vehicle on the playa.  As is normal, it was a hot day with occasional gusty winds picking up the playa dust and accosting you in the face.  During a lull in one of these wind storms I heard Monte tell me in a very quiet voice to 'look' as he pointed to my left.  I slowly turned to look and found two small birds resting in my shadow.  They were looking back at me as to say 'thanks' for the shade and a brief respite from the searing sun.  I squatted down, fully expecting for them to take off in flight.  However they only took a small, precautionary step back.  I should probably explain that up until this point, I had not experienced so much as a fly while out there.  This place seemed devoid of all but the smallest, most insignificant of life, until I saw these two.  I was overwhelmed with emotion.  Even now I have trouble being able to put a hand on exactly why this impacted me like it did.  Perhaps it is because I had just come from the temple, where I had come to peace with myself and here I find two tiny birds, in the middle of the desert, seeming to show me that they not only accepted my presence, but embraced it.


Playa Moment
It was after this experience that I decided to just let go entirely.  Any of the plans that I had to visit specific camps vanished.  I decided that I would just go with the flow.  It wasn't as if I had set out with a specific plan in mind, or that I had an agenda in the first place. I had only intended to fully participate.  Letting myself go with the flow, set aside expectations, and place myself outside of my comfort zone willingly, if only for a bit, opened up the whole experience.  I was also able to reflect upon my interactions with others back in the default world and recognize that I had allowed others reluctance to let go and experience new things stifle my own growth.  In some round about way, it all came full circle to that perception that others may have, only to realize that I simply didn't care about it any longer.

If you're looking for pics and some video, follow me...Burning Man 2014

Unknown

Not everything has to make sense. However, there is sense in everything.

3 comments:

  1. AndreaSeptember 10, 2014 at 11:37 AM

    Thanks for sharing jan. Great writing! Brought tears at times. Im glad I met u, deep emotional bonds :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. bipolarNmeSeptember 11, 2014 at 6:04 AM

    I love you sister, for who you are.... Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow.

    ReplyDelete
  3. UnknownSeptember 11, 2014 at 6:30 AM

    This is a great article, thank you for sharing! I was hoping and succeeded to accomplish this as well my first year. I am so happy you found what you were looking for!

    ReplyDelete

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